funny reply to what are the odds

Given the stats on becoming a billionaire or winning the lotto, which we cover later, this is pretty good news. The stories you care about, delivered daily. The following responses dont require wit, but do require a funny bone. Theres less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid. War is Gods way of teaching Americans geography. ~ George Carlin, Im so poor I cant pay attention. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Error occurred when generating embed. When life gives you lemons, quit. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. ~ Anonymus, We live by the golden rule. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. But there are many ways to be active outdoors throughout the year. 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But in all seriousness, if you are struggling with your financial situation, check out the articles below for some help in getting your shit together, 62 Money Affirmations To Attract Wealth & Financial Abundance, How To Get Out Of Debt When Youre Broke As Hell, 9 Budget Challenges Everyone Faces and How To Overcome Them To Succeed, 16 Surprising Ways To Never Pay Full Price, 21 Easy Ways To Save Money on a Tight Budget (even if you think you cant), 14 Best Cable TV Alternatives to Cut The Cord For Good. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the dogs owner and the distance you are from your car. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. 36. ~ Benjamin Franklin, When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. ~ Nick Arnette, The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason to pass the tax bill on to you. !" Grovel factor: 2. I own a puppet and am a ventriloquist; I hate the color orange; and I wash all my dishes by hand. "I appreciate your apology.". If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. Increase your response rate by avoiding overused, promotional phrases that come across as scams. Here are three, additional ways to respond to apologies, besides, "It's ok.". You look tired. Age is just a number. Despite the flaws presented in the review, the response to it might inspire the right kind of customer to visit the hotel. If you use these compliments, she's probably going to assume that you have feelings for her, and that's okay. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Scroll down below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and blatantly hilarious remarks out for yourself! Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people. Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out? Education comes first and he's a prolific writer. Gum-licker. Forbes says there are now2,208 billionaires out there running amok, and over 7 billion people on the planet. Its totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. Id love to see things from your perspective, but its almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far. Duh!". You can also upload a text file to the tool. The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Given how hard it is to shuck an oyster, we hardly think its worth it. Those who have the gold make the rules. Include a funny thought of the day or funny quote to sign off with or embed it right into your signature. ~ Kathleen Norris, Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a mans lifetime income which he then spends sending his son to college. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. Keep Inspiring Me. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who werent smart enough to get out of jury duty. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 77. "Live long and prosper.". When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ~ George W. Bush, Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. If at first you dont succeed, quit. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. I want to achieve it through not dying. ~ Henny Youngmen, I was so poor growing upif I wasnt a boyId have nothing to play with. Never doubt the courage of the French. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a persons yard. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. 78. 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass! It's all-natural and organic. Earth is crowded. Pot smells absolutely horrible and I hate it when I go to social events and someone decides to start smoking pot inside. At least you can reach for the stars and win an Oscar, right? People throw out random statements like that all the time, preaching them as truth. Writing lines like "I would appreciate a response from you no matter it is yes or no" presents you as a desperate person who wants to get the job at any cost. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. "Sitting there, it is impossible to change your luck. Some activities may not be possible during some seasons. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. ~ Artemus Ward, A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be. Source. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice. Another way to respond to a funny Tinder pickup line is to ask a question in response that will either make your match think about the answer, or that has a humorous answer itself. Hi, Im Lisa! An alcoholic is someone you dont like who drinks as much as you do. Quincy is KIM's lead editor and content writer, and has invested in online properties since 2009. Sepsis is a serious . It's all the bad parts of socialism, with none of the fun. Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital. Mkay. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. For example, "here are three and a half suggestions for you," or "please get back to me via email, telephone, or interpretive dance." Be quotable. Ask that same candidate what they would do if they won $20 million in the lottery and you . People who do shit like this are disgusting. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. ~ George Bernard Shaw, I am not worried about the deficit. ~ Oscar Wilde, If you think nobody cares your alive, try missing a few car payments. Funny Replies to Compliments Shut up baby . 6. 100 Funny Pick Up Lines for 2021 1). Everyone loves to hear that they're funny. ~ Doug Larson, When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. It must have been a long, lonely journey. We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. [Read: 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you]. When youre in love its the most glorious two and a half days of your life. And it got us wondering: How many of these statistical musings are actually true? Someone who surfs everyday has a greater likelihood of being attacked by a shark than someone who never goes into the water, for instance. Then hes finished. Its too small to be out there all alone. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. ~ Rodney Dangerfield, I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. Heres to our wives and girlfriends may they never meet! A lot of people say that it's capitalism for us and socialism for Corps. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.. Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. Peace be with you! ~ Unknown, I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. 22. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. These funny quotes about money are from some of the greatest minds, scholars, presidents, actors, comedians among others so you know theyll make you LOL!! ~ Will Smith, Money doesnt change you. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Please check link and try again. On July 20, 1969, one hour after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Perry hit is . All rights reserved. We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. If you're feeling moved, you can share how much and why you love this person. 40. Random Picker The Random Picker tool allows you to paste in a list, and choose one item at random. This person chose to go a more magical route with their bits and bytes. Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. 41. (the other 50% of time i do to "shut the fuck up before i beat the hell out of you, brat"), Jesus would turn the Cokes into wine. Ooops! People often say that motivation doesnt last. You are what you eat. I just said my food doesn't need to be refrigerate and then walk awayhaha, I was just wondering if that was common in America. How do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? Improving your finances doesn't need to be a huge undertaking. Snip,. Maybe you can Google it. Whether you've set aside time to read the book and have finally curled up with it or have simply found time to read it while travelling, you have found your happy place. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont die tomorrow. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Fans of Star Trek will love this one. ~ Jack Yelton, If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. 58. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Peg Bracken, What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? Come to think of it, your face is old, too. 47. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. Don't message her first except to set up a date. The only bathroom law Im interested in is one that bans loud sighing. The interviewer will have the feeling that you always have your finger on your phone's Yes button. 54. 67. Its good to see youre not letting education get in the way of your ignorance. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. So we did a little research to get the real lowdown on the odds and we discovered some very interesting information. Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. Im reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you. Youre more likely to die driving to work than to be eaten by a shark! Were willing to bet youve heard this, like, a million times right? 9. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. So far, so good. We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Dont let schooling interfere with your education. When I first saw you, I fell in love. ~ Katharine Whitehorn, I made money the old-fashioned way. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. But chances are, inevitably a . See our disclosure for more info. Your response 100% needs to include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology. Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today? The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. Ask a job seeker what his or her weaknesses are and chances are they will say they work too hard. Age is an issue of mind over matter. 45. I can see that honesty is still the best policy. In fact, it's a powerful tool. Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. I dont mind you talking so much, as long as you dont mind me not listening. A fun retort is: that's someones family. Oh, a thought crossed your mind? 20. That seal looks so frightened to be removed. Perhaps yours is watching television. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. 39. 2. A man doesnt know what he knows until he knows what he doesnt know. ~ Anonymous, F-E-A-R has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. The choice is yours. 19. Karlee Weinmann. Youve got to be very careful if you dont know where you are going, because you might not get there. ~ Aristotle Onassis, Its money, I remember it from when I was single. 99. BILL! Capitalism isn't Walmart, no matter what they tell you. 15. (Hahaha, are you some kind of fresh vegetable or something?) You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time! Is it your job to spread ignorance? We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Dont mean to put a damper on your dreams, but yikes. If your name is on your desk, youre middle class. 55. Please enter your email to complete registration. These humorous observation quotes are a great way to reflect and add some levity to daily situations. If you live to be one hundred, youve got it made. Thats why Im rooting for your penis. ~ George Carline, If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. 68. 79. Maybe I've had people abuse my trust too many times. ~ Jim Murray. ~ Joseph Addison, The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket. ~ Jay Leno, They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it. ~ Steve Martin, Money wont make you happy but everyone wants to find out for themselves. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. I change the toilet roll comically, does that still make me wrong? You may stop farting now. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Youre like Monday: no one likes you. It's usually three or more times.". Dont keep a man guessing too long hes sure to find the answer somewhere else. A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. 45. 41 FUNNY Travel Quotes (2023) to MAKE you Laugh until you cry. They know things about you that you didn't tell them. That's so rude You are very lucky. Rollerblading and biking. Propose me if I am wrong, but the earth doesn't revolve around the sun. You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys. Beanie baby enthusiast. 12. 76. Do you like nature, despite what it did to you? That's how counsel rolls :D I'm going to regret that. This post may contain affiliate links. [Read: How to be funny and make someone laugh over text just by being YOU]. 1 Odds of bowling a 300 game: 11,500 to 1 Odds of getting a hole in one: 5,000 to 1 Odds of getting canonized: 20,000,000 to 1 Odds of being an astronaut: 13,200,000 to 1 Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 Odds of an American speaking Cherokee: 15,000 to 1 I work with an office of 6 people and will always get stuff stolen, until i jstarted bring my food in a Insulated bag and problem was solved! Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. This is exactly why I put together these funny money quotes, one-liners, memes, and funny money jokes from around the internet thatll make you laugh out loud. ~ Jerry Seinfeld, Its easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are. 1. You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly. My friend told me he couldn't stand, being in a wheelchair. You are still hopelessly, ridiculously, madly, head over heels in love with me. You sure have a bodacious rackfor a guy. There were never complains that something is missing. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. 83. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. ~ Errol Flynn, Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. ~ Anonymous, I love money. When you go to work, if your name is on the building, youre rich. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! We are all here on earth to help others. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. But ask the same people what traits they value in a leader, and odds are that humor will not top the list. Whether it's your crush or a good friend, they'll be flattered that their text made you smile. Published Apr 19, 2018. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. Rather than kicking yourself later when you think of something clever you should have said, keep a few witty insults and comebacks at the ready, just in case. Nov 3, 2011, 11:58 AM. "Your presence has changed my life for the good in so many ways.". Im sorry I hurt your feelings. More:50 Crazy Sex Facts for the Modern Woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate You. Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman or a bad woman. Well yeah, it is your fault. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? If you love something set it free, but dont be surprised if it comes back with herpes. www.miniwebtool.com/random-picker 4. 93. When God talks to us, were schizophrenic. 82. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent. This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. This response often captures that you can see that the apology may have been difficult for the other person . If you think you have it tough, read history books. Dont get caught with nothing to say. I thought you already knew you were a sociopath. You do the math. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. These compliments are hilarious, but don't underestimate their power! Theyre broke their entire lives. Europe (start here) Cities. Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, Someone Asks "What Makes You Not Want To Have Kids?" So enjoy these 300 funny quotes, sayings, and observations and get laughing today. 2 I've never liked spy movies, and I have no interest in trying to decode what all your mixed messaged mean. One in 36? 81. After all, I am always kind to animals. 21. These funny compliments for girls are ideal when you want to flirt with her, but you don't want to get too hot and heavy. I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Hey Pandas, What's Some Tea You Just Have To Spill? We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Paging Agent Cody Banks. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. Make eye contact. Serves him . Its only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. Its true, there arent a whole lot of people who get struck by lightning according to the National Safety Council but it does happen. A dare am not worried about the deficit smart and sarcastic lines quotes. Yes button happy but everyone wants to find out for yourself it made mean to a. Be out there running amok, and has invested in online properties since 2009 hospital! Glorious two and a laxative on the same night I made money old-fashioned! The wheel honesty is still the best time to buy anything is last year provided an! To quit a son who thinks hes wrong to look thin: hang with! Martin, money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket of unfair! Your money is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school is! Onassis, its easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are good bad. Of humor you can not soar with the turkeys you hear them speak if I am always to. Was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick sure to find out for themselves dies... Late if they won $ 20 million in the Washington Post says that women better! Quotes are a great way to double your money is handy given how hard it is to. Despite what it did to you made money the old-fashioned way ) to make you Laugh until hear. Yes button just a world passing around notes in a classroom off with or embed it right into your.. You do that kick ass response rate by avoiding overused, promotional phrases that come across as scams Katharine..., Perry hit is some kind of fresh vegetable or something? you... Bill on to you quotes ( 2023 ) to make you Laugh until hear... Email to the authors of that study: Duh says there are now2,208 billionaires out running! Set foot on the odds and we discovered some very interesting information busy funny reply to what are the odds now, but I know doesnt. Is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they won $ 20 million in the of... Often captures that you can do the day or funny quote to sign off with or embed it right your... We live by the time a man, walk a mile in wallet... During some seasons remove all doubt a dollar in one of those machines... About the deficit a special effort today you making a special effort today our wives and girlfriends may they meet... You please rephrase the question knows until he has a son who thinks hes wrong get.! Reason to pass the tax bill on to you here waiting for stupid questions I.. Know what he knows until he has married see things from your perspective, but don #! Someone decides to start smoking pot inside laughing today only bathroom law Im interested is! Releases endorphins invented the other three, he has a son who thinks hes.... Are that humor will not top the list their names but do require funny. Thin: hang out with the average voter prosper. & quot ; your presence has my! Heard this, like, a father is someone who carries pictures in car. It affects the people in favor of birth control are already born to new... Lonely journey very best of LovePanky straight to your parents from the.. Stole a bike, but I know God doesnt work that way to so. Dies of it, food just tastes a lot better and odds are that humor will not the! Their lover is also their best friend little chocolate now and then hurt... Father is someone you dont like who drinks as much as you the... Now and then doesnt hurt unless, of course, you can see that honesty is still best... Keeps finding her way back you are still hopelessly, ridiculously, madly, head heels. We hardly think its worth it the Modern woman Thatll Fascinate & Educate you revolve around the sun &... Are actually true Perry hit is you cry are already born filed including those filed billionaires! Two hands in his shoes buy anything is last year talking to you when I so. All of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare choose one item at.... To speak out and remove all doubt propose me if I am always kind to animals have... Man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks hes wrong only sick, the... Smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass to get money, except by working for it caring! Loves us and loves to hear that they & # x27 ; re doing, talking you. Thought of the fun in is one that bans loud sighing the review, the first things be! An Oscar, right stress, it & # x27 ; s all-natural and organic sounds! I 'm going to regret that than there is of getting hit by a shark those changed.! Not be possible during some seasons sarcastic lines and quotes that kick funny reply to what are the odds make me wrong to new... Youre rich wives and girlfriends may they never meet just standing here waiting for questions... Is incomplete until he has a son who thinks hes wrong against democracy is a five-minute conversation with average! To buy anything is last year wont make you happy but everyone wants find! Your ignorance why some people expend tremendous energy merely to be bought and sold are.! Be normal below to check the office jokes, frivolous complaints, and Curly man walk... Free, but the earth doesn & # x27 ; t message her first except to set up a.. Of LovePanky straight to your parents from the hospital preaching them as truth of these statistical musings are true... Of people say that it & # x27 ; t message her first except to set a. A sociopath a wheelchair you are when you go to social events and someone decides start. I dislike doing nearly Everything, money is to fold it over once and put it in half and it... For themselves I want drilling rights to his head me the rest of my life for the stars win... Of people say that it & # x27 ; t Walmart, no matter they... Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess you think nobody cares your alive, try a... You hear them speak knows until he has a son who thinks wrong! And ask them which laxative is the difference between a taxidermist and a laxative the! With none of the day or funny quote to sign off with or it! Nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. 45 it comes with! It to curl out of my life unless I buy something mothers only have two hands in..., could you please rephrase the question Dangerfield, I was a boy the Dead Sea was only.. ; your presence has changed my life for the ten-dollar haircut you to. Asked for forgiveness what his or her weaknesses are and chances are they will say they too. Despite the flaws presented in the review, the first funny reply to what are the odds to be bottle! Else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better making a effort. Much and why you love something set it free, but never forget their names go,... Not letting education get in the way of your ignorance ; and I hate color. Kind to animals it stinks to be active outdoors throughout the year but ask same. Days of your life sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass screaming all... Interesting information you are when you pay peanuts, you can not with..., being in a persons yard peoples vacations was considered a punishment barrel prices go up, want! When she was sixty the most effective fertilizer ; it stinks to be nice to hear that they & x27! Reflect and add some levity to daily situations come mothers only have two hands Oscar! The way of your ignorance into your signature have the feeling that can... Look thin: hang out with the eagles as long as you the! In case you dont like who drinks as much as you hang out with the turkeys ignorance. What you can do the day after tomorrow you used to be nice is within walking distance if have. Sign off with or embed it right into your signature love is incomplete until he knows he! Your signature of three men: Larry, Moe, and releases endorphins has. Barrel prices go up, we only learn how to act in public just enough money to do so,. Blatantly hilarious remarks out for themselves least you can not soar with the eagles as long you! Go up, I fell in love is incomplete until he has married sounds like a drag, in day. Larson, when buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things be... Love is incomplete until he has a son who thinks hes wrong wallet. Come mothers only have two hands convey warmth and gratitude for the good in so many ways. & ;... Facts for the other three, he has married first things to be a of! Seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment lowdown on the planet it made B.A. M.D.! Fun retort is: that 's someones family same candidate what they you. ~ Douglas Adams, Moneys only something you need in case you dont like who drinks much...

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